A Moment of Honesty

I feel like I need to be open about something in my life that isn’t easy to discuss.

Honestly, I feel completely lost in my spiritual life.

It’s not that any of my fundamental beliefs have changed, or I’m really doubting my faith, it’s just that for some reason I’ve stopped trying. Apathy made it’s way into my life over the last few months, and it’s been difficult to shake because I don’t really want to shake it all that much. It’s hard for me to explain, because it’s not that I don’t care about my spirituality, I just stopped caring about trying if that makes any sense. Not to make excuses for myself or complain in any way, but I had a really difficult semester for the last few months. School all of the sudden decided to throw everything it could at me, and I was struggling to stay afloat. Sure, my grades turned out okay, and I did get some great experience, but I feel like I almost died trying to get there. It seemed like I could never get ahead, and instead I was barely keeping pace. I also felt like no matter how hard I tried I wasn’t getting the results I deserved. I lacked confidence in myself and my abilities, and my constant fear of how others will react to my actions lead to a lot of panic attacks in the middle of the night before my clinical rotation the next day. I was exhausted and burnt out, which made me grumpy, cynical, and pretty much just no fun to be around. I suffered and as a result those around me suffered. I became distant and in a way cold to those I cared about the most. I was not upholding my end of those relationships, and I could feel them slowly unraveling as a result. I was so exhausted that I stopped caring about myself, too. I wasn’t taking care of myself, and rarely made time to relax from everything that was happening around me. I was afraid that if I stopped worrying constantly it would all come crashing down around me. I’ve always had trouble trusting God to take care of my worries, but I stopped trying altogether. I was afraid to let go for fear that everything I’ve worked so hard for would amount to nothing more than a house of cards.

So I stopped caring.

I essentially cut off my relationship with God almost completely. It wasn’t sudden, but a gradual erosion that I didn’t notice until it was already too late. You would think that after noticing this I would try to work my way back, right?

Nope.

I was so frustrated and exhausted and overwhelmingly apathetic about it that I just refused to try. And it’s still really hard for me to. I’m trying, slowly but surely, to get myself back to a place where I feel that I am right with God. I don’t want to hide, and I don’t want to keep trying to do everything on my own, but it’s hard and it’s scary for me. I want to be strong in my faith so that I can be strong in my other relationships. Because without God at my center, everything else spirals out of orbit. I owe it not only to myself, but to those that I love and care about.

I say these things not only to get them off my chest, but hopefully to help someone. If any of you feel the way I do, please understand that it’s okay. You don’t need to be afraid to be honest to others about your struggles, because if they truly care you won’t be judged. Having and maintaining a faithful relationship with God is difficult. Their are periods where it feels like you are all alone with only your overwhelming problems, and other times where you don’t see how you could ever feel anything but loved and surrounded by God. Please, if anyone feels how I do and needs someone to turn to, I would be more than happy to be a friendly, listening ear. And I thank all of you reading this for your encouraging role in my life, whatever that may be.

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